Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Review: Kingdom of Heaven

Don't watch it. Seriously. Don't. It's really not worth it. Here's why.
You go to the movie, thinking it'll be one of those great epic type things, think Troy, think Gladiator. You really hope for a gladiator, because the director was Ridley Scott. The movie simply drags. No, it does far worse than just drag, it adds a three hundred kilo mental weight to your patience, and then goes for a leisurely stroll with it. The first hour and a half are a futile waste of time, nothing that happens in them bears any relavance to the conclusion of the story.
Oh, lets just press on the story a bit. Balin is a blacksmith, who by the intriciacies of plot ends up as a crusader and a Baron of "Someplace or the other", sworn to defend Jeruselum. The first hour and a half, and that's a remarkably long time, is simply wasted in telling us this important bit of information. The next hour, which is the only decent bit about the movie, is about the sack of Jeruselem by Salladin, who was upset over his sister and a bucha fellows being killed by some french idiot who became king of Jeruselum, and felt liked picking a fight. So it's up to Balin to defend the city, and this he does adequetly well, right up to the point he surrenders. As soon as he does this, the movie restarts it's incredible drag, and we can't see an ending for another fifteen minutes, till everyone is merrily relocated in Christian Friendly lands, and Mr. Balin is back with his blacksmithy.

Now that you know the plot, you need not go for the film. It'll be money well saved, so that you can go watch Bunty Aur Babli, and later on, Hitchhiker's Guide(Both Movies I WILL be seeing).

On a completely unrelated note, I have realised that sleeping on the floor with no form of support is a terrible idea for you neck.

One grows ever wiser with age.

No comments: