Sunday, October 24, 2004

Personality Soak

I'd love to give a trackback to this one, but like a ninny, I didn't include the facility. Anyhow, this post is directly as a result of reading respected Saar TheBOFi's latest post on how and why he is...TheBOFi. It got me thinking on the whole multiple personality deal, and why we are what we are, and well, since I'm a self-obssessed arrogant bastard, more specifically, why I am what I am(and that's all that I am). (Excuse me, please)


Yeah, now for those who're reading on, let us continue. Till about six years ago, I was pretty much a jackass, and not the kind I've turned into today. Personalityless mindless twerp, who watched cartoons all day would be a better way to describe it. Twit who felt worthless most of the time, with serious confidence issues would be another. And around about that time, I decided that it was no way to live. I mean, come on, you don't want to go through adolescence like that, childhood's fine, there's not much to do, but I refused to spend my teens unhappy. They were supposed to be trying enough.
So, one realises that it's time for a change. Now, I'd love to say that this was a concious descion at that point, but these things didn't become concious efforts till say class 9, where I needed yet another overhaul, after joining DPS. Till then, it was more of a subconcious need to change the way things were going in life.
Anyhow, the point being, I became different. My first personality overhaul required me to focus on the little stuff I was good at, at that time academics and english mostly, and do a darn decent job at em. From here, one could build on confidence, and I evolved one of my first ever personality types: Egomania.
Egomania does wonders, let me tell you, for your confidence, and when your confidence is high, its easier to get bright ideas, and work on things you're not so hot at.
Right, so now I was an egocentric prat, good at a few core things, useless at most else, still a runt, and still with major interpersonal issues. These were being strengthened by my old school, as well as certain incidents occuring in life at that point, so another major change was needed.
Thus, when the final choice had to be made by me, to change school, even though I was entering the scariest ass school ever for a new admission from a sheltered world, I said yes, and thus started the worst year of my life.
Class nine, of RKP, that is. It was quite terrible, but as they say, that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I learnt a lot of things over the course of that year, and lead to major personality overhaul no. 2. I had to learn to mix well will people I didn't like, and I had to seriously expand my skill base.
I think I read more books this year than the previous three combined. I did pretty much everything except study, actually. However, I took a step back, and became even further introverted, into a shell types.
Anyhow, it was at this end that I went through my third personality overhaul.
Like I said, it had now become concious, and I was kinda bruised. In Shri Ram, even if I wasn't exactly loved, I was respected. I was capable. Here I was nothing. That had to change, and fast. Thus, I picked up the final things I needed, an extroverted nature, and drive(not the car, the ambition type thing).
How did I do this? Well, obviously, its not something you can just turn on inside you. You can't just decide, hey I'm going to be an extrovert today. However, I think my greatest skill has been the ability to copy and soak up whatever I see around me.
So I want to say thank you to a few people. Thank you to Vidz, for giving me my outgoing nature. Thank you to Sonali, for giving me my creativity and insight. Thank you to Eaps for giving me my political grounding. Thank you to all my friends, for allowing me to snitch up little bits of what's so exceptionally great about you, and try to incorporate it into myself. Still, there are a good few more things I'd like to change about myself, but I've got the time.
It's been a little over a year and a half since I entered my last great personality overhaul. "The Elated Buddha" is not just my MSN nick, it's my way of life. I haven't stopped smiling since. It's been a long time coming, a lot of bad things have come in the way, but hey, nothin's gonna change my world.
I fell sick last week, and falling sick was one of the things that really used to throw me, I'd get really upset, and start sulking. This time, it didn't ruffle me at all.

I read through this once, and yeah, I guess it could sound a bit mopey. Which is strange, cos I really haven't been sad for a long time now, I was just bringing up the past. Its more like an artist, who's looking back at his work, and says "aaaaaaaah", except I'm not quite done yet.

That's the thing about the past. There was this thing in the papers the other day, about how cut trees never heal their wounds, they just grow over them, the cuts still remain. I guess that's the same with people and their...more fraught moments of their respective pasts. You can't ever forget them, they're always there. It's a wound that's a part of you, but you can grow over it.

So, yeah, this is not my style really, and I'm not exceptionally good at it, and like I've mentioned, I'm biased towards doing things I'm exceptionally good at.
So that's it, eh.

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